The Titanic Talk Show
by EnjoyItAll8000
Summary: The three people who know Titanic best got bored, so they created a YouTube account and bought a video camera. Now they present the Titanic Talk Show, where they interview crew and passengers. These three men are Ismay, Captain Smith, and Thomas Andrews.
1. Pilot Episode

**Alright, this is my funny new comedy about Thomas Andrews, Ismay, and Captain Smith. Lots of swearing and crude terms, but still very funny!**

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*Camera comes on, revealing Thomas Andrews, Ismay, and Captain Smith sitting in a fancy cabin in three fancy chairs drinking fancy tea out of fancy teacups.*

Ismay: Hello and welcome to the-

Andrews: *glares at Ismay,* Who said you had to right to welcome everybody?

Ismay: I did!

Andrews: Who said you were in charge?

Ismay: Look, I _owned_ the Titanic!

Andrews: Yeah, well I freakin' _designed_ it!

Smith: Yeah, well I _commanded_ it!

Ismay: *He glares at Smith,* Right into a bloody iceberg!

Smith: What? Hell no! It was the goddamn helmsman's fault, I was asleep, dreaming of that beach I was gonna go to after I retired! *He waves his arms around for emphasis.*

Andrews: Chill, Captain, you're gonna spill your tea on me!

Ismay: Anyways! *He turns back to the camera,* Hello and welcome to the-

Smith: Goddamnnit! What did Thomas just say about starting the show off?

Ismay: Shut up! *He turns back to the camera and shouts real fast,* Hello and welcome to the Titanic Talk Show! *He turns back to Andrews and Smith and smirks at them,* See? I still welcomed them!

Andrews: Doesn't count! *He yells.*

Ismay: What the hell, Andrews? Why the fuck not?

Andrews: You said it so fast all the audience is gonna hear is: HelndweloeoheTitanalkow!

Smith: Point. *He lifts his finger.* How about we do it together?

Andrews: No!

Ismay: I must be the only one!

Smith: Why can't we just do it together and get it fucking over with already?

Andrews: Because Ismay's an arrogant bastard, and I refuse to work together with him for anything!

Ismay: Except when it's building ships. *He smirks.*

Smith: Right, right, whatever. You two are like three-year olds.

Ismay: You're the three-year old!

Andrews: My God, why are you behaving like my wife when she's on her period?

Smith: Yeah, seriously, Ismay!

Ismay: I will fire you both, bitches!

Andrews: Shut it! We're all about to loose our jobs anyways because you were a pussy and jumped into a fucking lifeboat, Captain Smith stood in his office or whatever and killed himself, and then me, well, I don't know what the fuck I did!

Smith: You helped people and then went and cried about how big a failure you were in the First Class Smoking Room awaiting your death. *He smirks,* If that even helps.

*Andrews flicks Smith off and Ismay seizes the moment to welcome everybody to the show.*

Ismay: Hello and welcome! Our first guest is-

Andrews: Oh my God, fucking shut up!

Smith: This was a bad idea. All we're doing is fighting.

Ismay: We do that anyway. All this does is let the world see.

Andrews: Go put a ball in it, Ismay!

Smith: He can't, he doesn't have any.

*High-fives and hysterical laughter, except for Ismay, who glares at Smith and Andrews.*

Ismay: Hold up! *He raises both hands.* If you guys died when my precious wonder sank, then why the hell are you here now?

*Andrews and Smith exchange a look and shrug.*

Andrews: How the fuck should I know? I'm not a ghost whisperer!

Smith: You're a ship whisperer though. *He snickers.*

Andrews: What the hell does that mean?

Ismay: Oh, like you don't recall your 'conversations' with Titanic?

Andrews: *Shakes head,* Uh, no?

Smith: You would say things like, "Oh, baby, sailing day is just a week away" and "I'll miss you when I'm at home in bed with my wife tonight," and other jacked up shit like that.

Andrews: Hell no! I did not! *He stands up in protest.*

Ismay: *He takes out a recorder and presses a button, and a very disturbing track of Andrews talking to Titanic plays.*

All: ...

Andrews: You stalker. I'm getting a restraining order.

Ismay: Why?

Andrews: You have no right to invade on my personal life?

Smith: Dude, it's a fucking ship!

Andrews: It made me famous!

Ismay: It made me more famous!

Andrews: Shut the hell up, you homosexual bastard!

All: ...

Smith: You don't have a clue what that means, do you?

Andrews: No. I just know it's an insult.

Ismay: It's true!

*Others stare at Ismay.*

Ismay: My God, I meant it was an insult! I am certainly not a, uh, a homosexual...bastard... *Shifts uncomfortably in chair and looks at floor.*

Smith: *Clears throat and reaches for camera,* Yeah, I'm turning this off now...

*Camera shuts off*

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**It's stupid yes, but it was supposed to be funny! More to come, I promise! Review!**


	2. Ismay's Secret

*Camera turns on. Andrews, Smith, and Ismay are all sitting in their chairs looking very sophisticated.*

Andrews: Hello and welcome to the Titanic Talk Show. We have ceased our fighting and have decided to save it for behind the scenes.

Ismay: I aruged against that. Everybody said it was funny.

Smith: They might have, but we sure as hell didn't think it was!

Ismay: *He shrugs,* I thought it was hysterical. Especially the thing with Thomas. *He snickers.*

Andrews: Anyways, before this subsides into another maddening, and very, very humiliating episode, *Face turns red and he looks at the ground,* Let's introduce our guest.

Ismay: *He trembles with concealed laughter.*

Smith: Bruce, stop it.

Andrews: *He glares at Ismay and then looks at the camera,* Today our guest it the dude who sat on the upside-down lifeboat all night, Second Officer Charles Lightoller!

*He walks in and sits down in the empty chair next to Andrews.*

Lightoller: Uh, hi, everybody. *Clears throat and shoots an awkward glance at Andrews, then scoots over several inches so he's closer to Smith.*

Ismay: *He explodes into a fit of laughter,* Oh my God, this is _priceless_! Fucking _priceless_!

Lightoller: Hehe... *Stares at the ground, fighting back a fit of laughter.*

Andrews: *He looks outraged,* Goddammnit, Ismay! You see what you've done? Everybody thinks I'm a _freak_! You should've seen my Facebook page! It was flooded with horrible comments about how they owned a ship that was in need of some love and all this shit!

Smith: *He tries to hide a grin,* Well, I think you've learned a valuable lesson, Thomas. *He grins mischeviously,* Don't cheat on your wife with a ship.

Lightoller: *He bursts into laughter.*

*Ismay high-fives Smith and Lightoller and then falls out of his chair because he's laughing so hard.*

Andrews: *His face is contorted with rage and he stands up,* I wasn't cheating on Helen with the goddamn_ Titanic_!

Smith: Are you sure?

Andrews: I never slept with it, if that's even possible, I never kissed it, I never hugged it, I never did anything!

Ismay: *He manages to stop laughing long enough to get back in his chair and pull out his wallet.* Oh really? *He shows them all photos of the supposed Andrews kissing and "loving up" against the Titanic.*

Lightoller: Jesus Christ, Thomas! What the hell is wrong with you? *He stands up and moves himself and his chair to the other side of Smith.*

Smith: *His eyes grow wide and he pointed at a picture," I had to _sit_ in that chair!

Ismay: See? He's a playa!

Lightoller: Oh my God, I had to fucking use that rope to lower a lifeboat!

Andrews: That isn't me! That guy has a mustache! I don't fucking have a mustache!

*There is an awkward silence and everybody looks at Ismay.*

All: ...

Smith: You bitch! My ass will never be the same again!

Ismay: That-that isn't me! Th-that's Thomas! *He grins and coughs, looking guilty and uncomfortable.*

Andrews: You twit! You fucking twit! You filthy son a bitch! *He raises a fist to punch him.*

Lightoller: KEEP ORDER! KEEP ORDER HERE! *He leaps to his feet and raises his hands.*

Ismay: *He stares at the floor.*

Smith: Damn you, Bruce! You probably turned half the world against Thomas!

Andrews: They'll love me again once they figure out that HE LIED! *He shouts but sits back down.*

Lightoller: So why did you do...those...those things to the ship?

Ismay: Because I'm not married and Titanic had some _damn_ good tools!

Smith: What do you mean, tools?

Andrews: Yeah, seriously?

Ismay: *He raises his eyebrows and looks at them,* You know what I mean...

Lightoller: Oh my God. *His face turns green and he runs off camera, then vomits.*

Smith: You sick bitch!

Andrews: I designed those items to be used for lowering lifeboats and sitting, not fucking sexual pleasure!

Smith: Why the fuck would you take pictures of Thomas doing those things anyway? Not like he did, but still!

Ismay: Umm... *He gets up and runs out of the room.*

Lightoller: *He walks back on looking much better but stll pale and shocked,* I will never be able to look at him the same way again.

Andrews: He's a homosexual.

All: *They look at him.*

Smith: I thought you didn't know what that meant.

Andrews: I looked up on the Internet.

Lightoller: I thought you didn't know what the _Internet_ was.

Andrews: If you don't know what the Internet is in this time and day, you're not human. Simple as that. *He shrugs.*

Smith: *He grins,* Well, I think we can all agree: Payback's a bitch.

Lightoller & Andrews: Yes. *They both nod.*

Smith: Well, it's been fun having you on the show, Mr. Lightoller. We're sorry we didn't get to talking about you at all, but we'll call you back sometime so we can actually focus on you and not how creepy Ismay is.

Andrews: Yes, yes we will.

Lightoller: Okay. It was fun, though. Bye. *He leaves.*

Smith: Okay, thanks for watching the Titanic Talk Show!

Andrews: Please flood Ismay's Facebook page with horrible comments, people! We must enact revenge!

*Camera shuts off*


	3. The Red Flamenco Shirt & The Insult Game

*Camera turns on to show Andrews and Smith waiting impatiently for Ismay while drinking tea.*

Andrews: Where the fuck is that bastard?

Smith: Who knows? He's probably in his room crying because of what happened last episode.

Andrews: *He grins evily,* Did you see his Facebook page? I swear every person on there hates him!

Smith: I know-

*Ismay sashays in, wearing a red satin Flamenco shirt. He strikes a dramatic pose at the entrance.*

Smith: *He has a spittake, spewing the tea he had been drinking.* What the fuck are you wearing?

Andrews: That red homosexual shirt goes well with your eyes... *He smirks, still angry about what Ismay had done.*

Ismay: You're just jealous. *He does the unthinkable and shimmies.*

Smith: *He chokes on some more tea and has another spittake.* Hell no!

Andrews: Michael Jackson just rolled over in his grave. *He looks horrified.*

Smith: Who's he?

Andrews: No clue. He's some wacko dancer that died a couple years ago.

Ismay: That's right, bitches! I got hip action! *He shimmies again.*

Smith: You have no hips, dammit! You can't shimmie!

Andrews: You realize we're on camera, right?

Ismay: I know. *He shimmies again and then sits down in his chair.*

Smith: All...all right... *He looks very uncomfortable.* Our next guest is...

Andrews: Do we _have_ to do a show with him sitting there in that _thing_! *He whines and covers his eyes.*

Ismay: Oh, you wanna go?

Smith: Oh snap.

Andrews: Sure! Why not? *He stands up.*

Ismay: *He stands up and shimmies again,* Come at me bro! Come at the Shimster!

Smith: Oh my God... *He chokes on even more tea.*

Andrews: Fine...let's go 21st century style!

Ismay: Oh it's on! *He shimmies repeatedly.*

Smith: STOP IT! STOP IT, PLEASE! MY EYES ARE BURNING! *He cries and smothers his face with his hands, unable to look.*

Andrews: Dumbass! Let's play...the Insult Game!

Ismay: What? *He stops shimmying and looks at Andrews, confused.*

Andrews: I'll start. I heard you're a Ladykiller. They take one look at you and die of shock!

Smith: Shit that's a good one!

Ismay: Hell no! Ladies love me! *He shimmies again and shouts,* Well, they do say opposites attact...so I sincerely hope you meet somebody who  
is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured!

Andrews: I'm more attractive, honest and intelligent then you'll ever be! And more cultured! Here's one for you: Are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?

Ismay: *He flicks Andrews off and shreiks,* You've got the perfect weapon against muggers - yer face!

Smith: *He watches, intrigued and laughing.*

Andrews: You got a face only a mother could love...unfortunately she too hates it!

Ismay: My mommy loves me, bitch! *He pauses to think, then shimmies,* Oh, here's a good one! Folks clap when they see you...but they clap their hands over their eyes!

Andrews: You're about as much use as a Betamax videorecorder! *He retorts.*

Ismay: A what?

Andrews: My point exactly!

Smith: He looks at the camera and smiles,* Well, this has been a really interesting episode. Unfortunately, the camera's about to die. so, I've gotta turn this thing off now. Maybe we can continue with this argument next time.

*Camers shuts off just as Ismay leaps at Andrews. Last thing seen is Andrews ripping Ismay's red shirt into pieces.*

* * *

**Yes, Ismay and Andrews fight a lot, if you haven't noticed. But they hate each other. Andrews pretty much got the blame for Titanic sinking and he died, while Ismay got off pretty slick, except for being called the coward of the Titanic, and he lived. So yeah. They have reasons. Review!**


	4. Dit Dat Dit Dat

**Th****is has to do with the Marconi operators. I have something very funny in store. :)**

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*The three of them are sitting there in their chairs. Smith isn't drinking tea, and Andrews and Ismay are handcuffed to their chairs.*

Smith: Now, remember, you say one mean thing to each other, and, *He lifts up a tazer,* You get it.

*Ismay and Andrews nod*

Smith: Alright, *Smiles* Now, welcome to the Titanic Talk Show! Today we have Jack Phillips and Harold Bride as our guests!

Andrews: *Sighs,* No pick up line to introduce them? Really? So sad...

*Smith tazes him and Andrews screams*

Andrews: I'm sorry!

Ismay: *He snickers.*

*Smith tazes him and Ismay screams*

Ismay: WHAT THE HELL MAN!

*Smith tazes Ismay yet again and Ismay screams and starts crying*

Harold: Can we come in now? *He calls from outside the room.*

Smith: Yes!

*Harold Bride and Jack Phillips walk in. Jack has a crazed expression and he isn't blinking.*

Andrews: Ummmm... *He stares at Jack.*

Harold: Yeah, he's been like this ever since the ship sank and he died. The water seriously messed his mind up. Now all he can say is-

Jack: Dit. Dat dat. Dit dit dit. Dat dat. Dit dat dit dat dit dit dit.

Ismay: What the fuck?

*Smith tazes Ismay and he screams and sobs.*

Ismay: What...was that for!

Smith: *He shrugs,* It's just fun tazing you.

Harold: *He laughs,* Nice. So I assume there won't be any arguing in this episode?

Jack: Dit dit! *He sits down and rocks back and forth in his chair with his knees up to his chest.*

Andrews: Okay he's seriously freaking the shit out of me now. *He stares at Jack and then shakes his head,* No. No, well, fighting.

Ismay: *Still sobbing,* It burns!

Smith: Good. Now shut the fuck up. *He turns to Harold,* So, tell me about yourself. What goes on in life? Any problems with your family?

Harold: What is this? Dr. Phil?

*Smith raises the tazer and Harold falls out his chair, scrambling over to the wall.*

Harold: God, please no! Please!

Smith: *Laughs,* I'm just playing with ya!

Andrews: *Struggles to keep a straight face,* Yeah, the only people who'll be getting tazed today are me and Mr. Crybaby over there.

Ismay: *He flicks Andrews off.*

*Smith tazes Ismay again and he faints.*

Jack: Dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dat dat dat dat dit dit! *He shouts and flails around*

Harold: Why didn't you taze Thomas?

Smith: I like Thomas. In fact, *He takes out a key and releases Andrews from the handcuffs.*

Andrews: Thank you! *He hugs Smith and then takes the tazer.* I have an idea... *He reaches over and tazes Jack.*

Jack: ! *He screams and spazzes, then falls over and faints.*

Harold: What the fuck man?

Andrews: Hold on...

Jack: *Wakes back up and stands,* Ow. That hurt.

Smith: OH MY GOD! YOU DID IT ANDREWS! HE'S TALKING!

Jack: I was always talking. What are you talking about?

Harold: Nevermind. Glad you're back buddy! *They hug and then walk out hand in hand.*

Andrews: I did NOT see that coming. Holy shit.

Smith: Wooowww...

*Camera shuts off*

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**Short, I know. But I always thought it would be fun to experiment with Jack and Harold. And now I have. But they shall be back. Review!**


End file.
